The Addams Family
Rating: 65%
Genre: Non-scary horror comedy platform cartoon
Appeal: Fans of everything Addams Family, even
the made-for-video movie and TV show
Raul Julia is transmogrified into a big-headed
midget in this cartoony platformer (then again, it's better than being
dead :P). Gomez has to do the old enemy-stomp through a bunch of
interconnected levels, occasionally throwing a golf ball at a giant owl.
Not bad, but it sure don't look like the movie...
The Adventures of Batman and Robin
Rating: 60%
Genre: Trigger finger-bloodying
Appeal: The video game world champion, whoever
that is
The series which this is based on was great,
which is more than I can say for this game! It might've been cool
if the designers had toned down the difficulty a few hundred notches, but
they didn't, so it wasn't. My guess is that no kid who watched the
show could finish this monster of a game. Plus the music sucks.
Afterburner 2
Rating: 75%
Genre: Plane-exploding, and plenty of it!
Appeal: Pilots who had similar experiences (good
luck trying to find one)
I once read that this game was responsible for
the "scaring off" of a number of pilot trainees. This isn't really
surprising. Afterburner 2 pits you, the dogfighting daredevil, against
hundreds of other planes. Alone. Not entirely realistic, and
the arcade version is much better, but if you've got some time to kill,
look no further. It's danged addictive.
Aladdin
Rating: 85%
Genre: Disney fun (for a change)
Appeal: Youngsters and oldsters alike
Yeah, before there was Shiny Entertainment, the
Earthworm Jim guys worked on this nice li'l Disney game. The incredible
animation made some of the stupider players think that they were actually
playing in a movie, and that they would always get a happy ending.
Were they ever surprised to see Aladdin end up dead. Lawsuits followed,
big ones!
Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Rating: 30%
Genre: Ye olde Sega Platformer. Very ye
olde!
Appeal: Well, if you'll play ANYTHING...
The castle may be enchanted, but the gameplay
certainly isn't! It's the same old same old platform game material
that's been around since the days of Super Mario Bros. and its 79 sequels.
Sure, it was one of the first games on the system that helped it prosper,
but honestly, I don't care, do you? I thought not!
Alien 3
Rating: 60%
Genre: Alien blood-extracting
Appeal: Maybe Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum from
Independence Day...
Apparently, Acclaim had little business sense
when this game was released. They felt that they had to do an entirely
different game from the SNES version- a worse game! Just skip this
and buy Aliens vs. Predator on PC. Acclaim didn't get much acclaim
for this lame game!
Altered Beast
Rating: 35%
Genre: Beast-altering
Appeal: Apparently, a lot of people. Weird...
You all may have heard nice comments about this
game, but none of it's true, I tells ya! Getting to morph is cool,
but the gameplay is short and baaaad. Think about it before you flame
me! They even left out some cool special effects from the arcade
version. However, it's funny how the bear's terrible breath turns
enemies to stone.
Batman
Rating: 55%
Genre: Superhero-being
Appeal: Bat-fans, those nutty guys
Strangely enough, the screenshots on the back
of this game's box came from the NES version! This might have been
a good marketing strategy, since the NES version was, in fact, better.
It's a fact! Either that, or the box design guy got lazy. So
anyway, you're Batman, and you walk around beating on thugs. Booorriiiinng!
Batman Returns
Rating: 65%
Genre: Penguin-punching
Appeal: Poachers looking to make tuxedos
The return of Batman was sharply bitten by critics
for having grainy graphics and generic gameplay. They were right,
but then, any game with cool music has a place in my heart. You'd
probably rather have the Sega CD version, though (it has even better music!)
But enough about music, let's talk gameplay in what little space we have
left. It's decent, and nothing more. There ya go!
BattleToads
Rating: 50%
Genre: Toad Wars Episode 1
Appeal: Amphibian buffs with a knack for liking
average games
Battletoads on Genesis is a DIRECT port of the
NES version. You want improved graphics? Look elsewhere, Watson!
The gameplay is still too frustrating for most normal people after a bit.
After playing the game for many hours, all I wanted to do was kick its
@$$... the cartridge. However, I had borrowed it from a neighbor,
and this simply wasn't an option.
BattleToads and Double Dragon: The Ultimate
Team
Rating: 60%
Genre: Battling Toads and Double the Dragons
Appeal: Abobo, Linda, and a whole army of dirty
rats
Thankfully, those Donkey Kong-loving Goldeneye-hugging
nuts at Rare decided to tone down the insane difficulty of the first game.
On the other hand, this is yet another DIRECT port of an NES game.
What the heck happened to the Double Dragon franchise? Brings tears
to my eyes.
Barney's Hide and Seek
Rating: 5%
Genre: Edutainment, with the emphasis on "edu"
Appeal: Not me! Really! I'm serious...
Uhh, yeah, I didn't like it! Barney is
for little kids, but not for me!... Alright, I'll come clean.
Before this game, I didn't know how to play hide and seek. All the
kids would laugh as I blundered around trying to figure out how to play.
That was until Barney taught me the rules, and helped me become a better
player. Thanks, Barney, wherever you are!
Beast Wrestler
Rating: 45%
Genre: Wrastlin' - Beast style!
Appeal: The cast of Altered Beast, who couldn't
even get roles in this sad game
I'm not sure if I qualify to write this review,
because I can hardly even remember much of the game. That's what
happens when you get older. What I do remember is this: Two beasts
(horrific ones) step into a ring and duke it out. Reminded me of
those NES wrestling games, it did!
Beavis and Butt-Head
Rating: 55%
Genre: As Dumb as it Gets
Appeal: That other butt-head guy from the early-'90s
anti-cigarette campaign
Luckily, this is entirely different from the
muy mal SNES version. Now, if only they'd taken out the action segments
and made this entirely into a graphic adventure. I mean, I laughed
out loud upon serving a customer at Burger World my own special "Ratburger".
Farting and burping on baddies got annoying, and smelly, after awhile.
Bubba and Stix
Rating: 65%
Genre: Some weirdo playing with a stick that
fell out of a tree
Appeal: Puzzle nuts and others... Maybe
even you!
Many people bought this game thinking that it
was based on Forrest Gump's own shrimp guy. Needless to say, they
should have used their brains a bit more. It's actually a puzzler
where you must enlist the help of a stick to help you through those tough
times. Tough times are abound, by the way.
Bubsy
Rating: 70%
Genre: Bobcat-bashing
Appeal: People who approve of bobcat-bashing
Wow, it's almost exactly the same as the SNES
version! This means that all of the same incredibly loose controls
are back for another round... which happens to be the same as the first
one. If you like dying, be my guest and play until you lose all of
your nine lives (yep, they actually give you nine lives.)
Burning Force
Rating: 70%
Genre: Namco weirdness
Appeal: The 36 people who bought it
Next Generation magazine featured this game in
their Top 100 Games of All Time list back in 1996. What were they
on? Not smart pills, that's for sure! It's not a bad game at
all, but Space Harrier is still better, and they didn't include it, those
dope-heads! Space Harrier designer Yu Suzuki reportedly tried to
hang himself after realizing his game wasn't on the list.
Castlevania Bloodlines
Rating: 80%
Genre: Even more Dracula-destroying
Appeal: Uhhhh, Castlevania fans with a Genesis?
This is the latest in the Castlevania series
(circa 1994). It may be a whole lot goofier than previous Castlevania
games, but it plays pretty well. It's actually the only game I've
ever played where a pile of gears beat the hell out of me. No, I'm
not hallucinating...
Castle of Illusion
Rating: 45%
Genre: Mousehunt with the original mouse
Appeal: Apparently, tons of gamers who look back
on this with fond memories
Yeah, a lot of people really like this game a
whole lot. I, on the other hand, don't! I mean, come on!
It has incredibly ordinary level designs and reeeaally simplistic bosses.
Made me sick, they did. You'd probably rather play Mickey Mania.
Columns
Rating: 75%
Genre: Like Tetris, only color matters
Appeal: People who'd rather play this than Tetris
(bunch of psycho-blockheads)
Yes, it's a puzzle game, yes, it's kind of addictive,
but no, it's not a classic of Tetris proportions. The gameplay is
fun, but the designers didn't throw in many extras. In two-player
mode, the players interact with each other in no way- they might as well
be playing on different TVs. Bah, I'd rather play the freeware Windows
version.
Comix Zone
Rating: 80%
Genre: Comic action, in a game!
Appeal: Marvel fans who want to really be a part
of something instead of just reading about it
You, the player, assume the role of Sketch, a
slacker artist for books of some sort... Comics, was it? Oh
yes, and he's been sucked into his own lame comic. As you might expect,
he has to beat up everybody, even though everyone knows comic book artists
are harmless. Well, except for maybe that guy who created Batman.
He's creepy. And dead.
Contra: Hard Corps
Rating: 85%
Genre: Explosion-ridden mayhem
Appeal: Psycho killing machines
By the way, that's pronounced "hard core".
This excellent Contra game has four or five different endings, an actual
plot, tons of action, and explosions galore! The Japanese version
is far easier than the American version, but of course, you probably won't
be able to read the text. Oh yeah, and the game is made up of mostly
bosses.
Desert Demolition starring Road Runner and
Wile E. Coyote
Rating: 75%
Genre: Chase game
Appeal: Those of you with very, very short attention
spans
Hmm, this is one of the cheesiest things Sega
has ever done. Fun, though! You can be either the boid or the
coyote, racing through a terribly small number of levels. Terribly
small! Just download the rom if you're a-lookin' for some fast, very
inexpensive fun. Or not!
Desert Strike
Rating: 70%
Genre: War made fun for all
Appeal: Vets who want revenge on the bad guys
who blew off their legs
Wow, it's been years since I played this one.
If I recall correctly, I didn't entirely understand what I was supposed
to be doing, but I had some fun all the same. Mainly because I got
to blow stuff up. Apparently, this was popular enough to spawn a
whole lot of sequels, each just as popular as the last. Go play it.
If you want.
Dick Tracy
Rating: 50%
Genre: I dunno, but I'm sure the game designers
were trying to aggravate me personally!
Appeal: Warren Beatty fans who aren't old enough
to see Bulworth
Sometimes I just wish I could skip mediocre stuff
like this, because let me tell you, it's no fun to write about! I
mean, praising the good stuff is fun. Making cracks about the truly
terrible stuff is fun. But when you give a game a 50% rating, you're
kinda stuck in the middle. This is a standard side-scroller, nothing
special here. Go away.
DJ Boy
Rating: 80%
Genre: Skating + Fighting = Skighting
Appeal: Cool people, that's who!
No one's ever heard of this game, which is sad.
It's the world's only Double Dragon-style game on wheels! Very fun,
with cool music to boot (he's a DJ). In the arcade version, you were
on a quest to find your boombox. In the Genesis version, you're on
a quest to find your girlfriend! No 2-player mode for some crezzy
reason, but you get to jump-kick a big, fat, karate maid!
Double Dragon
Rating: 65%
Genre: The fada of all beat-'em-ups
Appeal: The tommy gun-toting Shadow Boss, because
he was portrayed as "tough" in this game
It may be the best home conversion of Double
Dragon, but hey, Final Fight was better than it in 1989! Decent fight-fight
action. Short and Sweet like Die Hard Arcade, only less sweet.
Even powerful punches sound like sandpaper here. Skip it!
Double Dragon 3
Rating: 30%
Genre: Barf!
Appeal: Hermits who have been living in their
caves since Pong
Acclaim screwed up this conversion big-time!
Apparently, Billy and Jimmy Lee are out on their much-deserved vacation
to all sorts of places worldwide, when a bunch of hoodlums attack them.
Alright, that's probably not DD3's plot, but it might as well be!
It's been awhile since I played this, but I still have nightmares about
its terrible, terrible hit detection. I've started wetting the bed
again.
Dracula
Rating: 60%
Genre: Like Castlevania, only more official
Appeal: Dracula, 'cuz he got a game named after
him
After playing the villain throughout the entire
Castlevania series, Dracula finally gets a game of his own... where he
also plays the villain! Too bad the hero spends so much time beating
up on mice and bats. He should skip all that and go directly to Dracula
in order to hand out an @$$-whuppin'!
Dune: The Battle for Arrakis
Rating: 75%
Genre: Real-time strategy on Genesis? Crazy,
but true...
Appeal: RTS freaks without computers (right)
Wow, it's a danged good port of the PC hit Dune
II. While this is a pretty good game, it has definitely been surpassed
by the likes Command and Conquer and Total Annihilation. Plus, the
controls are (of course) not as good as they were on the PC, though a valiant
effort was made to convert them to the ol' gamepad. Still fun, though.
Dynamite Duke
Rating: 70%
Genre: Not Duke Nukem, another Duke
Appeal: People who liked the ol' G.I. Joe arcade
game, but couldn't spare $250 to buy it
In this game, Duke resides near the front of
the screen, apparently on a conveyer belt, and moves along, shooting at
any cretin who enters his crosshairs. It's a brainless but fun arcade
conversion that you'll treasure for all of your life. Honest ;)
Earthworm Jim
Rating: 80%
Genre: Twistedness with a twist
Appeal: Shiny Entertainment, what with its nutty
inside jokes and all. Weirdos...
The oversized earthworm's first 16-bit adventure
is his worst! On the other hand, he only had two. Anyway, if
wandering through junkyards and shooting evil cats sounds like fun, be
my guest and play this game. But be forewarned, once you play, you'll
come out a changed person. You'll be significantly slimier.
Earthworm Jim 2
Rating: 85%
Genre: Puppy-squashing
Appeal: Those dirt-delving critters you might
find in your backyard
Jimbo gets a second adventure, and adventure
he does! This sequel takes him from the depths of the maggot-infested
earth to the kitchen table, complete with large meat slabs. Well,
if you're ten years old, it might be fun to put the game in some girl's
hair and watch her scream.
Faery Tale Adventure
Rating: 65%
Genre: The longest faery tale ever written
Appeal: Surprisingly, not little children
The PC version was supposed to be a classic,
and thus, FTA was ported to the Genesis. Does it hold up today?
Not too well. The brothers who star in this game give me the willies.
At least the music is cool, though it seems to repeat... a lot. Aww,
just go play a more recent RPG.
Fantasia
Rating: 40%
Genre: Musical-butchering
Appeal: Mickey Mouse Club members who aren't
dead or homeless
What do you get when you take a Disney "Mouseterpiece"
and transform it into a lame arcade game? A lame arcade game based
on a Disney "Mousterpiece"! You're better off skipping this and playing
Mickey Mania. Unless you're crazy.
Fantastic Dizzy
Rating: 85%
Genre: Fantastic egg-beating
Appeal: Not Codemasters, who did about eight
Dizzy games and then abandoned the series (fools!)
Dizzy, a popular egg character from the UK, makes
his way to America. As the easily-broken hero, you must collect 250
stars to save the beautiful Daisy, who looks like Dizzy in a skirt.
This involves doing a whole lot of exploring, and solving numerous puzzles.
It's no Super Metroid, but it does have the best cheery music I've ever
heard!
Flashback
Rating: 80%
Genre: Prince of Persia with guns!
Appeal: Big aliens intent on beating you up
"Aaah! I've lost my memory! And I'm
in the jungle, and I wanna go home!" Yes, these are the words of
Conrad, the star of this game, and a very quiet amnesiac. The animation
is totally extreeeeme, and puzzles are fun, and the baddies are bad.
What more could you ask for?
Forgotten Worlds
Rating: 35%
Genre: Idiotic space shooters
Appeal: Whoever you are, I don't like ya'
The designers really screwed up on this Genesis
conversion. The sad part is, it really didn't have to be this way!
You only have one life with which you're supposed to complete the game.
Yeah, right! On the other hand, in two-player mode, a player who
dies can come back to life as long as his partner is alive, making the
game infinitely easy. What were they thinking?
Garfield
Rating: 55%
Genre: Comic capers, hyuk!
Appeal: Overweight, lasagna-eating cats and their
idiot dog pals
America's most overrated comic strip becomes
1995's most mediocre Genesis game! If it were truly like the comic,
all you'd do is sleep, eat, kick Odie off the table, and squash spiders.
How is an obese cat supposed to hop around on platforms?!
Gauntlet IV
Rating: 65%
Genre: Livin' in the past!
Appeal: If you loved the 1980s...
This Genesis conversion brings Gauntlet into
the '90s! Actually, that's a lie. It's exactly the same as
Gauntlet I and II (there was never any III!) Gauntlet fans should
skip this piece of blatant repackaging and buy Get Medieval on PC.
Ghostbusters
Rating: 50%
Genre: The busting of ghosts
Appeal: Slimer! Everyone loves Slimer,
right?
If you can show me a side-scroller with more
non-descript rooms than are seen here, I'll give you a nickel! I'm
not worried, though. Heck, the gameplay isn't even that great.
Plus, all the characters have ridiculously oversized heads. Bill
Murray reportedly became very self-conscious after seeing himself in the
game.
Ghouls and Ghosts
Rating: 80%
Genre: Hardcoreness
Appeal: Guys and gals who don't mind toughness
(and I mean LOTS of toughness!)
With this cart, fans of the arcade game could
play a near-arcade-perfect version right on their super-powerful Genesis.
It's one of those games that sold systems. However, there are a couple
of things I am concerned about. First of all, the title screen logo
bleeds! Second, there are a number of skeletons chained to crosses
in the first stage! Unacceptable for a 1989 console game.
Golden Axe
Rating: 80%
Genre: Do you really need to axe?
Appeal: Barbarians, amazons, and dwarfs who most
believe are too cute to kill
Yeah, it's golden! Thanks to arcade conversions
like this one, Sega sold systems. Unlike Altered Beast, however,
this one is actually good! Short and sweet, just the way it should
be. It actually becomes kind of sad when you hear painful death screams.
At least the corpses don't stick around like they did in the arcade version
(some gamers reportedly left arcades in tears).
Golden Axe 2
Rating: 80%
Genre: Lumberjack simulation
Appeal: Crazy monsters who, for some reason,
want to kill you. Don't ask me why
Did you like the first Golden Axe? If the
answer is "yuh." then why don't you try this fine game? It has more
of the same monster-mauling action from the first game, except now you
hit weak old wizards for magic power instead of weak young elves.
Either way, playing this game will be like getting on the bus to Beatdown
Town.
Golden Axe 3
Rating: 65%
Genre: Dumb@$$ warriors impaling even more dumb@$$
creatures
Appeal: That Conan guy, and possibly Xena
Booooo! This game is okay, but four years
after the first one came out, they could have at least tried to equal its
graphics and playability. It was only released in Europe, I think.
If I were from Europe, I'd gather the village together, buy some flaming
torches from the candle shop, and demand that Euro-Sega make the game better.
Greendog
Rating: 40%
Genre: "Cool" stuff. If it's "cool", it's
in this game
Appeal: "Righteous" "dudes" who are "radical"
Maybe you remember the television ads for Greendog.
Maybe you don't. Either way, this game stinks! As a surfer
without a face, your objective is to escape the horrible island that you
ended up wiping out on, or something like that. Or maybe you're just
trying to find your lost face. Blech, pure side-scrolling hell.
Gunstar Heroes
Rating: 95%
Genre: Holy cow, this falls into the category
"really good shooters"!
Appeal: Anyone quick on the ol' trigger finger
This may well be the most frantic (as well as
best) shooter ever. It was created by the nutty guys at Treasure,
who were responsible for the Contra and Castlevania series. The graphical
effects are some of the best I've seen on the Genesis. The game also
features a unique system which lets you combine very different weapons.
Incredibly cool!
Haunting starring Polterguy
Rating: 85%
Genre: Haunting a household of Italians and their
demon dog
Appeal: Steven Spielberg of Poltergeist fame.
Or not
I've never seen a more innovative Genesis game,
or a nuttier one. Polterguy, a dead skateboarder kid, feels the need
to scare the willies out of a sleazy skateboard manufacturer and his family.
It's cool, 'cuz you get to turn household items into devices of scariness.
Really funny at times, also. Too bad this one sold like Poltergeist
3 grossed!
Home Alone
Rating: 50%
Genre: Movie Licensing with a Vengeance
Appeal: 7-year-olds who aren't allowed to stay
home alone
Well, at least it's better than the NES version!
Alright, anyone who saw the movie (and didn't fall asleep) knows that Kevin
spends the last half hour of the film trapping burglars. This version
seems to focus on having poor Kevin search around for new guns to shoot
the burglars with. Give me the ol' paint-bucket-to-the-head anyday,
but not this!
Jurassic Park
Rating: 60%
Genre: Dino Dreck
Appeal: Some of the smaller-brained species
No sir, this is not an incredible game.
On the other hand, you can be the raptor, which means loads of human-shredding.
As the advertising stated, the dinosaurs have decent articial intelligence,
especially this triceratops at the start of Dr. Grant's game. It
was always fun to get him mad, but then he'd impale you with his horns.
Stupid dino...
Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition
Rating: 55%
Genre: Dino Dreck: Headache Edition
Appeal: Maybe that fly from John Hammond's crazy
wand thing
Same characters. Same controls. New
levels. That's what this game is all about. The only thing
is, they made the fatal mistake of leaving out that cool triceratops from
the beginning of the original. Oh well, there's always hope for another
sequel, right? Right?
Kid Chameleon
Rating: 55%
Genre: More like "Kid Mario"
Appeal: Small, color-changing animals
Like Greendog, this is another 1992 Sega game
that somehow got its own television ads. With thousands of screens,
you'll never be bored, or at least that's what Sega told me. They
were wrong. I've seen more excitement on Teletubbies.
Last Battle
Rating: 40%
Genre: It's an RPG, a platformer, a fighting
game, and an excellent way to become annoyed quickly
Appeal: Guys with the name "Aarzak" who can relate
to the main character and his weirdo name
If this had only been the First Battle, I wouldn't
have bothered with any of the sequels. Why is that, you ask?
Because Last Battle is a dull left-to-right action title with very minor
RPG elements, headache-inducing dungeon adventure levels, poooor fighting
game-style stages, and a hero whose shirt rips off four times during the
game!
Lethal Enforcers
Rating: 60%
Genre: Lethal injections of lead
Appeal: Cops in gun training
First off, the arcade original wasn't really
that great. With 64 colors, this version features extremely grainy
digitized characters and backgrounds. I've read that Konami's Justifier
gun wasn't that incredibly accurate, but without a gun, this 'taint much
fun. Even worse, if you don't do well, you're forced to repeat a
stage! Torture!
Lethal Enforcers II: Gunfighters
Rating: 65%
Genre: Lethal injections of 1860s slang
Appeal: Wyatt Earp and the gang
This game 'taint as well-known as the original,
but it does seem a bit better, mainly because you don't have to repeat
stages. Very cool. On the other hand, as far as westerns go,
I'd rather play Sunset Riders on SNES. "You can't hit the broad side
of a barn!" is no match for the classic "Me ready for pow-wow!"
The Lion King
Rating: 80%
Genre: Disney animation Stuff
Appeal: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who wrote his
own game tips for the strategy guide (don't laugh)
Although it's not the king of Genesis games,
you'll probably still like it. The levels: Good. The gameplay:
Good. The music: Half-decent. Watch as Simba grows from weak
little lion afraid of small lizards into a big strong lion afraid of small
bats.
Maximum Carnage
Rating: 45%
Genre: The severe beating of midgets punks and
hair-whipping girls
Appeal: Spiders with the brains to play this
(probably most species)
Maximum crappy is more like it! Its television
commercials featured a Carnage passing over a city. Playing this
game evokes the same fear from me as those poor souls under him must have
felt. A strong, potent fear! Avoid Carnage and his awful game!
Mick and Mack: Global Gladiators
Rating: 65%
Genre: McDonalds without the grease
Appeal: Happy meal kids
It's hard to believe that the Earthworm Jim team
once did a game loosely based on McDonalds stuff. It's even harder
to believe that they actually cared enough about the project to include
over 1200 frames of animation. Unfortunately, since they spent all
that time on the animation, the backgrounds are, well, booooriiing.
Still kinda fun.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Rating: 60%
Genre: A fighting game. Kind of unusual
for the Power Rangers to fight, eh?
Appeal: Fight fans sophisticated enough for the
subject matter
I would have liked this game better if the rangers
focused more on being rangers than their mighty morphinity. Perhaps
they should just be stripped of the word Rangers and become the Mighty
Morphin Power People. I wrote to Haim Saban and Shuki Levy, the show's
producers, about this. All they sent back was an autographed picture
of
themselves in Ranger suits. Eww...
NBA Jam
Rating: 80%
Genre: Basketball?
Appeal: B-ball fans who like realism about as
much as Dennis Rodman wants respect
Well, it may not be the most realistic basketball
game I've ever played, but at least it was fun! I can never enjoy
realistic sports games because they make me bored to tears. That,
and I can never figure out why I'm playing something I hate. However,
I don't hate NBA Jam, and neither should you! It's still fun to play
as Bill Clinton...
NBA Jam Tournament Edition
Rating: 80%
Genre: Rehash City
Appeal: Anyone who liked the first game.
ANYONE.
Wow, it's incredible! Incredible in its
similarities to the original NBA Jam. There is no reason why anyone
who bought the first one should buy the second one, and vice versa!
End of story! The list of improvements is so short that it gets stepped
on by accident!
Out of this World
Rating: 75%
Genre: Trial and errorness
Appeal: The producers of that movie "Trial and
Error"
Judging from the genre and people this game appeals
to, you can probably tell that this game involves just a slight bit of
trial and error. Plus, if you know how to finish it, you can do so
faster than you can say "There's some kind of beast trying to maul the
hell out of me." Still, it's fun while it lasts. Except when
you're turning purplish from frustration.
Outrun
Rating: 55%
Genre: Racing of the antique variety
Appeal: Gen-Xers who have been locked in their
basement since the late '80s
Remember the old arcade racer that featured some
Californian guy and his girlfriend in a red convertible? Yep, that's
this. It seems like the programmers tried their darndest in porting
this game, but the Genesis just wasn't quite up to the task. Plus,
this isn't nearly as fun as just about any recent racing games, and the
girlfriend still yells at you when you crash! I wish she'd just die,
or something!
Outrunners
Rating: 25%
Genre: Crudness of the worst variety
Appeal: Uhhhhhhh... Lemme think for a minute,
okay?......
The arcade version was a nice update to old Outrun,
but this is actually worse than the Genesis port of the original, released
five years before this! Most of the cool scenery is gone (as well
as the bottom half of the screen), making this the most boring racing game
ever to grace the planet Crud.
Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures
Rating: 50%
Genre: Hapless yellow creature gets sent on fool's
errands by equally psycho wife
Appeal: Henpecked husbands across the globe:
They can relate!
Pac-Man 2 lets you really get to know the man,
woman and baby of the Pac-Family. Most of the time, you end up using
a slingshot to save the Pac-Meister from danger while he's off performing
otherwise dull tasks. But Ms. Pac-Man! If her husband was attacked
and left for dead by a vicious cat while getting her some flowers, she's
probably ask him "Where the %@*$ are my flowers?!"
Pit Fighter
Rating: 60%
Genre: Ultimate fighting with a name change to
avoid legal issues
Appeal: Mortal Kombat fans searching for their
roots. Or something...
For those of you who thought Mortal Kombat was
the first fighting game to feature digitized opponents, you're thinking
your way right into the ignorant bin! Players must use any weapons
that they can find lying on the ground to bludgeon and eventually kill
(or at least give brain damage) their opponent, as a crowd of dumb clods
watches on. Kinda fun, though not politically correct.
Pocahontas
Rating: 55%
Genre: Classic stories butchered by Eisner and
the gang
Appeal: Weirdniks who liked the movie (???)
Not only did Pocahontas mark the decline of decent
Disney animated films, but it also marked the decline of Disney video games!
Unlike Aladdin and the Simba, Pocahontas wouldn't hurt a fly. Guess
what that translates into? A barely violent game. Guess what
that translates into? A barely passable game! "Paint with All
the Colors of the Wind" my eye!
Prince of Persia
Rating: 85%
Genre: Aladdin, only more realistic (and gory!)
Appeal: Jafar, the bad guy, who has the same
name as the bad guy in Aladdin...
One of the most ported games in history, Prince
of Persia comes to the Genesis in style. The graphics are nice, the
realism is there, and the death screams are more hilarious than ever!
Too bad they added terrible music, and boy, is it terrible. Almost
as hilarious as the death screams!
Quackshot
Rating: 70%
Genre: Enhanced version of Duck Hunt. Not
really, though
Appeal: Fans of Duck Hunt who just couldn't stand
the excessive violence
I remember that this game looked really cool
when it first came out. At least to me. Now, I realize that
it's just another Disney adventure aimed at the young 'uns! While
it's not spectacular, you'll probably enjoy it. Especially if you're
a young 'un.
Ren and Stimpy: Stimpy's Invention
Rating: 75%
Genre: Flatulent fun
Appeal: Mr. Horse, because he has a small cameo
No sir, it ain't a classic, but it's much better
than the SNES games. The gameplay mainly involves the cat and dog
pair using each other's frail bodies to destroy evil firemen and monkeys.
It's a hoot with two players, but you won't have nearly as much fun alone.
Sorry, loners!
The Revenge of Shinobi
Rating: 80%
Genre: Ninja nuttiness
Appeal: Ninja trainees who believe that the game
is based on a true story
Shinobi's inevitable revenge is the first game
in the Super Shinobi series. So why is Shinobi so super? Well,
he can take more than one hit before dying, for one thing. Also,
unlike the first two games, he doesn't have to rescue hapless hostages.
That's all fine and dandy, but if Shinobi doesn't rescue the hostages,
WHO WILL? Another interesting fact: Spider Man is a boss in this
game (?).
Ristar
Rating: 80%
Genre: Mascot mayhem
Appeal: Astronomers
I guess you could call this guy the Death Star,
because he seems to enjoy raining death upon everyone. Actually,
the main advantage of being a star is getting to use your incredibly long
arms to swing like Tarzan. And being Tarzan is fun, right?
Kinda like this game!
Road Rash
Rating: 75%
Genre: A day at the motorcycle race gone rotten
Appeal: Extreme sportsmen who can get back up
after even the most horrible injuries
Yep, the original Road Rash is still fun even
in this day and age. There's nothing like conking a fellow rider
over the head with a pipe several times in midair, causing him to fall
off his bike and roll into an oncoming car. The only thing is, he'll
always get back up, and you can bet he'll be thirsty for your blood.
Oh dear.
Road Rash 3
Rating: 85%
Genre: High-speed beatdowns
Appeal: The violent among us
I still play this game from time to time just
to get a few good laughs. Really, it's that funny! The cool,
powerful sound effects, like the screams of poor souls about to fly straight
into a deer, are partly responsible for this. It may not be what
you'd call a "smart game", but it sure is addictive!
Shadow Dancer: The Secret of Shinobi
Rating: 75%
Genre: A Boy and his Dog
Appeal: Those of you who fully understand the
title...
How's this for a game concept: A creepy ninja
goes out at night with his vicious, blood-hungry dog and beats down on
absolutely anyone he sees. Geeze, Shinobi might as well be in a gang
of skinheads! Besides, he should be terribly ashamed of himself for
using that dog of his as a lethal weapon. It's a fun game, but keep
it away from the kids!
The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare
Rating: 35%
Genre: A strong case of bad licensing
Appeal: The dumber Simpsons fans
It's too bad that the only good Simpsons game
was Konami's Simpsons arcade. Acclaim (kind of an ironic name for
the company) grabbed the rights to Simpsons console game distribution.
Not a good thing! Thanks to Acclaim, we have more bad Simpsons games
than we know what to do with! Bart's Nightmare is just as horrible
as the rest of 'em.
The Simpsons: Bart vs the Space Mutants
Rating: 50%
Genre: Total space case
Appeal: People who want to play NES games on
Genesis
The game designers apparently watched a few episodes
of the show and designed a mediocre game based on what they saw.
They did too much thinking for themselves, though. Unless it's a
Halloween episode, mutants probably wouldn't invade Springfield.
Plus, the gameplay is pure ridiculous puzzle frustration. Did Matt
Groening even approve this game?
The Simpsons: Virtual Bart
Rating: 35%
Genre: True virtual stupidity
Appeal: If you'll play ANYTHING...
Wow, that is one disgustingly bad game!
Acclaim should have learned from Bart's Nightmare that a bunch of lame
minigames don't work in making up a bigger game. This time, Mr. Player
is forced to go through stages including "Dino Bart", "Baby Bart", and
"Pig Bart". Aww, why didn't Homer get a bigger role in this?
Sonic 3D Blast
Rating: 70%
Genre: 3D blast of Sonic?
Appeal: Sonic and his friends... in 3D!
Oooooh, 3D!
Sonic Team let Travellers' Tales, a game company
that has gone waaayyy downhill since Mickey Mania and Toy Story, design
this game. Guess they were too busy designing Nights to pay attention
to their other franchise! Too bad, because the game doesn't capture
the same feeling of speed that the others did. What a mediocre waste.
I think Travelers' Tales was trying to kill Sonic!
Sonic and Knuckles
Rating: 90%
Genre: Super Sonic Speeding and Knuckles
Appeal: Mechanics who get maniacal ideas from
Robotnik's machines
I believe much of this game was a part of Sonic
3 in Japan. Thanks to very funny MTV commercials and cool "lock-on"
technology, Sonic and Knuckles was big here in the States. Yep, it
plays just like Sonic 3, but the level design seems much better.
Get it!
Sonic Spinball
Rating: 65%
Genre: It's Sonic. It's Pinball.
It's new Sonic Spinball. Hey, that's what the commercial said!
Appeal: Pinball junkies with a "thing" for mediocrity
The speed of Sonic coupled with the already speedy
Pinball? Preposterous! Instead of just trying to keep the ball
(er, 'hog) in play, you've got to aim directly at ramps and things to get
him through the "levels". And that's where the game is frustrating.
Sonic should've taken a hint from Kirby in his first (and thankfully, only)
pinball experience. At least Kirby didn't have an attitude problem...
Sonic the Hedgehog
Rating: 85%
Genre: Super Sonic Speeding! Woohoo!
Appeal: Cheetahs
Now, here's an inspired game design if I ever
saw one! You've got this creepy blue hedgehog that can go really,
really fast and send robots to the big junkyard in the sky. I don't
know what Yuji Naka was on when he designed this game, but he should buy
a truckload of it!
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Rating: 95%
Genre: Super Sonic Speeding with a weirdo fox
"tailing" along
Appeal: Genesis owners?
Many would agree that Sonic 2 was the height
of Sonic's career. Faster than Sonic 1 with more varied levels.
I just wish they'd left that nutty Tails the Fox out. He's kind of
like those comic relief characters in Disney films. A good thing
this is not. I mean, here's Sonic trying to save the planet, when
the fox comes up and says "Hey, wait for me, Sonic! Be my friend!"
Sonic should've declined.
Sonic the Hedgehog 3
Rating: 80%
Genre: Slower Sonic Speeding
Appeal: Sonic's animal pals, because if it weren't
for him, there'd be no tomorrow
Not a great end to the trilogy. The game
focuses more on exploration than speediness at times. The music can't
hold a candle to that of the first two games. Knuckles is a jerk.
Finally, there's a stupid carnival scene! What the $%@* is this?!
It's dull as heck, and the music gives me nausea!
Space Harrier 2
Rating: 85%
Genre: Crashing into poles at 300 Mph
Appeal: Not Space Harrier, because Sega gave
him a dopey outfit to wear for the whole game
Hey, yeah! Ya gotta love Harrier's off-the-wall
antics in this FAST forward-scrolling shooter. With the ability to
fly and shoot death beams, Harrier wreaks havoc on all sorts of trippy
fantasy creatures. Be prepared for some very weird bosses (like a
jellyfish that shoots smaller jellyfish at you) and an even weirder hero.
The guy has, like, no fashion sense...
Sparkster
Rating: 75%
Genre: Flying possums with swords who stab stuff
Appeal: Other possums who look up to Sparkster
like he's Michael Jordan
Rocket Knight Adventures was one of Konami's
early Genesis games. Its sequel, Sparkster was one of Konami's later
Genesis games, released at a time when every game had some sort of creepy
animal it it (Madden '95 had a whole league of them). Fun stuff.
Splatterhouse 2
Rating: 65%
Genre: Blood, guts, a big guy in a hockey mask,
and it's not Friday the 13th
Appeal: Young children like I once was who like
to see blood, guts, and a big guy in a hockey mask
Imagine going into a big house filled with monsters
and easily thrashing every single one of them. All in a day's work
for Rick, the game's psychotic hero. Too bad that this involves walking
left to right through a lot of dull levels. It's worth playing, but
this could've been a lot cooler. On the other hand, it let you bludgeon
zombies before zombie-bludgeoning games were all the rage.
Splatterhouse 3
Rating: 80%
Genre: Similar to the last game, but different
Appeal: Not enough people, the game bombed commercially!
Awright, Splatterhouse gets the Final Fight treatment!
Slugging monsters in the gut has never been more fun! If you take
too much time in a level, something horrible will happen, possibly to a
loved one. The girl you rescued in Splatterhouse 2 can die in the
first level if you're not careful, which gets me REALLY ticked off.
All that work for nothing, dangit.
Streets of Rage
Rating: 60%
Genre: Final Fight only worse
Appeal: Dudes who aren't very discriminatin'
The genre of this game says it all. The
motion is jerky, the animation is bad, the levels are dull, the characters
are small, the sound effects are just weird, and it gives me a #%* headache!
However, I am a fair man, and therefore, this gets an extra 10% for the
music and decent two-player action.
Streets of Rage 2
Rating: 85%
Genre: Final Fight only better
Appeal: Mr. X, since he somehow survived getting
killed in the first game (?)
Now this is more like it! The streets have
considerably more rage in this MUCH better sequel. All of the first
game's problems (listed above) have been completely fixed. This time
around, the big black guy from the first game is gone, only to be replaced
by a bigger white guy and a little black kid on roller skates. Rumor
has it he now spends his days drinking and squatting in an abandoned house.
Streets of Rage 3
Rating: 75%
Genre: Streets of Rage 2 only worse
Appeal: The original male and female cast members
who survived 3 games without being cut
Okay, so we have a Streets of Rage game with
an actual STORY?? Not good! At times, the gameplay requires
slightly more thought than the previous games. Also not good.
The big white guy (now struggling to regain his career) has been replaced
by an old geezer who can electrify people. Not good for the big white
guy. On the plus side, you can use a cheat code to play as a kangaroo.
Sunset Riders
Rating: 70%
Genre: Gunslinging action in the cartoon west
Appeal: Sir Richard Rose and his band of easily
disposable outlaws
Blegh, this is a mediocre conversion of a danged
good game! The levels have been changed so that you spend about twice
as long in each environment, though only half of the environments have
been included. This makes the game approximately 2/5 duller.
Agh, get the near-perfect SNES version instead.
Super Monaco Grand Prix
Rating: 50%
Genre: Racing. Yep, that's it
Appeal: Mindless drones
If you can show me a more nondescript racing
game, I'll perform any sort of crazy action of your choosing. Really!
The Genesis was really never too good at doing this sort of game, in my
opinion. I'd rather play something more recent, and so should you!
Tale Spin
Rating: 55%
Genre: Bears get medieval on air pirate @$$
Appeal: Crates of any sort, because they play
such a big role in the game
Zzzzzz... Zzzz... Wha?! Oh,
sorry, I was just thinking about how dull this game is! Anyway, as
Baloo or Kit, the player must collect an obscenely large amount of lost
cargo and then take off in his prized plane. Unfortunately, that
evil tiger's poorly-animated minions are out to get you. If you used
to watch the show (or still watch it, but that's not my problem), you might
want to try this.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone
Heist
Rating: 70%
Genre: Turtles on steroids
Appeal: Giant pigs, rhinos and alligators who
hate those turtle boys
It was when I played this game for the first
time back in '93 that I realized the Genesis was inferior to the SNES.
Much of the gameplay and music, and some of the levels and bosses, are
carried over directly from Turtles in Time. Only thing is, they're
all of lower quality in some way or another! Skip this and go play
the SNES game.
Terminator 2: The Arcade Game
Rating: 60%
Genre: Terminating
Appeal: Mr. Schwartzenheimer himself
Yep, it may have been cool in the arcades, but
there's just something about this conversion that makes it kinda dull.
Maybe it's the fact that, for decent gameplay, you'd have to use the indecent
Sega Menacer. And who needs this when we have House of the Dead?
The Tick
Rating: 30%
Genre: Skin-attaching fun
Appeal: Not my dog, he hates the things
Good grief, it's bad! Imagine Final Fight.
Then imagine your favorite superhero whose show was canceled. Then
imagine repetitive action that can only be described as "repeating".
You'll pretty much have an idea of what this game is about. It's
not about fun, that's for sure!
Time Killers
Rating: 45%
Genre: Blood-spraying, limb-chopping, relatively
violent games
Appeal: Do you buy games only because you want
to see violence? Then this is the game for you!
The baaaad Time Killers arcade machine was released
in 1993. This baaaad Genesis port was released in 1996, when not
one person in America could remember the game (except for maybe a few of
those dang politicians still obsessing over it). Why? If only
I knew. Oh, if only I knew.
Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Treasure Hunt
Rating: 70%
Genre: Carrot-digesting
Appeal: Those creepy rats who always show up
to cause trouble in Tiny Toon games...
Yeah, it's got Buster Bunny, but if I wanted
to play Sonic, then darnit, I'd play Sonic! Somehow, the rabbit has
gained superhuman (er, superrabbit... oy...) running abilities. Seems
he's been practicing since his NES adventure! This doesn't have nearly
the personality of the SNES "Buster Busts Loose". That's why it gets
10% less. Plus, why does everyone want to kill that poor rabbit?
Toe Jam and Earl
Rating: 50%
Genre: Gimme a minute to think...
Appeal: Giggly kids from 1991. Bleah
"He he he, that guy's name is Toe Jam!"
Yes, these are the words of innocent children whose minds have been corrupted
by the so-called "antics" of Sega's semi-famous duo. People like
me were right to fear these monstrocities and their so-called "game".
Basically, you have to help our alien friends collect parts of their broken
spaceship in order to get home. What a filthy concept.
Toki
Rating: 45%
Genre: Monkey mishaps with none of the cuteness
Appeal: Gamers who resemble monkeys in both looks
and brains
C'mon, just TRY to have fun with this arcade
conversion of an already annoying game! Better yet, just don't play
it at all! It seems that the stupidly-named Toki has been turned
into an ape or something, and wants to be a human again. If I were
starring in this game, I'd want to be dead! I'm surprised Toki doesn't
personally thank you when you run him off a cliff.
Toy Story
Rating: 80%
Genre: Side-scrolling with a hyper-violent twist
Appeal: Psycho serial killers and the like
Play Toy Story, and you'll be playing one of
the most absolutely gruesome video games ever created. Watch as Woody
chokes innocent toys to death with his pull-string. Cringe as RC
Car runs over Buzz Lightyear, causing more than a small amount of bloodshed.
Scream as Woody is chomped to bits by a horrible creature known only as
"The Dog". {Shudder}
Two Crude Dudes
Rating: 55%
Genre: Two dudes getting crude. This involves
a lot of punching
Appeal: Dudes who need lessons on being crude,
though Beavis and Butt-Head is a better teacher
Well well well, lookee what we have here!
Yet another pea-brained company trying to cash in by ripping off even more
pea-brained kids with their sad game. Besides, if these dudes were
really all that crude, there would be more farting and burping.
Vectorman
Rating: 80%
Genre: Cool 3D vector weird mayhem
Appeal: Fans of the Vectrex game system (At least,
I think that system has fans)
I don't know what the game designers were on
when they thought up this game, but I'm guessing it was the drug known
as Star Wars Arcade (not the Sega remake). The green hero must shoot
his way through a whole bunch of weird, pseudo 3D levels and even even
more pseudo 3D baddies. The graphics alone make it worth playing!
Vectorman 2
Rating: 75%
Genre: Vector-spawn
Appeal: I'm guessing the V-Man himself!
Probably...
Vectorman is back, but he just ain't as cool
as before. There are far fewer 3D tricks used in this sequel, and
most things seem less... flexible. My guess is that the programmers
got overconfident and... LAZY! The game is still worth playing, though,
so do.
World of Illusion
Rating: 70%
Genre: Disney delight... oy...
Appeal: Mice and ducks who enjoy platform games
Heyy, the sequel to Castle of Illusion isn't
half bad! This time, Mickey decides to bring along his buddy Donald
so they can spend some quality time together, or something. Unfortunately,
their day turns rotten when everything starts trying to kill them.
Instead of sitting down and succumbing to a gruesome death, they fight
back... with MAGIC!
X-Men
Rating: 60%
Genre: X-Blah
Appeal: Magneto and his army of robots, freaks,
and tribal primitives
A lot of people seemed to really like this game
when 16-bit systems were in. I hope they now realize that this is
a game to "kind of like" but not to "really like". This is a pretty
average, straightforward side-scroller that moves at an annoyingly jerky
speed. Gave me a headache once, it did. YAWN.
Y's 3
Rating: 75%
Genre: Bad guy-bloodying with RPG-like stats
Appeal: Fans of RPGs, platformers, and adventures.
Too many genres make me confused...
Despite the fact that I had never played Y's
1 or 2 (actually, I'm not even sure if there is a 2. Weird...), I
kind of enjoyed this game. It's got a nice mix of different genres,
even though none of them are executed phenomenally. On the other
hand, you'd probably be better off with Wanderers from Y's on SNES, because
it's the same game with four times as many colors and better sound.
|
