ActRaiser
Rating: 80%
Genre: People-protecting
Appeal: Your guardian angel
Alright, so you're this angel, see? And
this angel can easily destroy the grotesque monsters coming out of portals
in the ground. However, his entire life consists of watching over
the oafish residents of the different areas of the world. It's gratifying,
but I think that the good angel longs for something more. Poor guy.
ActRaiser 2
Rating: 60%
Genre: Sword-wielding
Appeal: People who liked the original, but wanted
less thought and more mindless bloodshed!
Whoaaaa, wait a second. What were they
thinkin'? They take a perfectly good game that has both platform
and simulation sequences, and remove the simulation sequences! What's
more, they make the action sequences worse. Everyone involved in
the project should have been fired long ago.
Aladdin
Rating: 70%
Genre: Prince of Persia only with a keen Disney
twist. Cough cough
Appeal: Little intelligent monkeys in weirdo
hats
Aladdin is considerably more foolish than he
was in the Genesis version. Instead of making use of his sword, he
insists on stomping on the heads of those hapless guards. I'm just
glad he didn't try this in the movie, or it would've been over in eight
minutes! No kudos to Capcom!
Alien 3
Rating: 65%
Genre: Alien-gutting
Appeal: Acclaim game license fans
Ever wanted to toast some horrible, horrible
aliens and save some horribly, horribly stupid hostages? Here's your
chance, soldier! Just remember to shoot all face-huggers on site,
or you'll end up with a bad stomach ache.
Aliens Vs. Predator
Rating: 45%
Genre: Franchise-crossing
Appeal: Hideous monsters
This is kinda like the Atari Jaguar and PC versions,
only completely different. Instead of getting to be the Alien, Predator,
or lunch (hey, that's what some of the ads said), you get to play as a
creature who could pass as Mike Haggar of Final Fight. It's beat-'em-up
action at its chest-bursting worst!
Batman Returns
Rating: 75%
Genre: Clown-killing
Appeal: People who hate penguins, people who
hate cats
It looks as if Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer
have teamed up to bring you the cheeriest Batman movie or game EVER!
But seriously, folks, Michael Keaton gives the performance of a lifetime
beating up on dozens of evil clowns. That is Michael Keaton
in there, right?
BattleToads in BattleManiacs
Rating: 55%
Genre: Frog leg-cooking
Appeal: Ninja Turtle fans who've got mad game
skilz
If there's one thing this, and all of the other
Toad games have going for them, it's the incredible challenge level.
Sure, the game seems kind of innovative on first glance, but then you realize
that it don't play well. In most cases, you can only attack one enemy
at a time, and if you fail to use a toad "super move" on them, they keep
coming and coming! Why? That's the eternal question...
BattleToads and Double Dragon: The Ultimate
Team
Rating: 60%
Genre: Total weirdnicity
Appeal: You nuts who bought every previous game
in the series
Oh, the horror! This is actually more BattleToads
than Double Dragon in terms of gameplay. If I were Billy or Jimmy
Lee, I probably wouldn't want to hang out with a bunch of slimy frogs!
At least this game is a bit easier than the other games in the series,
which isn't really saying much. At least the series ended after this
game.
Beavis and Butt-Head
Rating: 45%
Genre: Uhhh, huh huh huh. Uhh, huh huh...
Appeal: Idiots, morons, etc.
Honestly, you'd have to be a moron not to like
the show. However, it doesn't take your hippie school teacher to
figure out that this game is sadder than the wacky duo themselves.
With a second player, you may be able to squeeze some fun out of this piece
of trash, but not a lot! By the way, it's a bad game, also.
Blackthorne
Rating: 80%
Genre: Shooting innocent prisoners
Appeal: Fans of shooting innocent prisoners
It seems the hero, Blackthorne, has found himself
in a prison along with a horde of troll-looking, boarish beasts.
However, he also has a gun and a whole dungeon-load of prisoners just aching
to be shot accidentally. This has the guns of Flashback, but you'll
need actual skill instead of trial and error here.
B.O.B.
Rating: 50%
Genre: Robot part-finding
Appeal: Headbangers
Well, it's been a few years since I played this,
but I remember that it gave me a bad headache. If you want to stay
clear of bad headaches, don't play this game! And B.O.B has to be
the most sinister robot I've ever seen.
Bobby's World
Rating: 70%
Genre: Imagination-delving
Appeal: Howie Mandel fans
I used to watch the TV show this was based on
when I was younger. Therefore, playing it on ZSNES brought back a
lot of (sniff) memories about the good old days. The gameplay weren't
half bad either. This game gets an extra 10% just for makin' me feel
good. Sniff.
Bubsy
Rating: 70%
Genre: Animated excitement!
Appeal: Clutzes
Bubsy has to be the unluckiest bobcat in the
world. The slightest bump or bruise will send him into an overly
grim (no, wait, funny was the word I was looking for) death sequence.
These have to be some of the worst controls and level designs I've ever
seen, but who cares when bad guys blow their noses on you to kill you?
Bubsy 2
Rating: 35%
Genre: Animated misery
Appeal: Cat lovers, but that's about it
What probably happened here was that the game
designers said "Duhh, Bubsy wuz pop-ye-lar, so we's gunna do a game jus'
lah-k it, but it's gunna be rah-lly rah-lly bad!" I rented this on
a day when I was sick at home, and after playing it, I proceeded to stay
home sick for the next week. It's all this game's fault, no one else's.
Captain America and the Avengers
Rating: 30%
Genre: Wussy superhero fighting
Appeal: Fans of the comic, fans of bad games
I've never seen a sadder bunch of superheroes
than the ones in this game! Every time an enemy slaps them, they
cry out "NOOOOO!!!". Pitiful, just pitiful. And don't even
think about punching the baddies, because it will only result in more screaming.
Instead, our "heroes" must stand several yards away and throw their wuss
projectiles in the face of evil.
Castlevania: Dracula X
Rating: 65%
Genre: Dracula-bloodying
Appeal: Dracula's army of the undead
Once again, a member of the poorly-dressed Belmont
clan must go and whip the snot out of Dracula's head. Unfortunately,
it seems that you can't teach a new Belmont old tricks, since Castlevania
IV's whip-in-any-direction is gone. Richter can't hold a candle (or
whip one) like ol' Simon Belmont!
Chuck Rock
Rating: 55%
Genre: Dino belly-thrashing
Appeal: Neanderthals
Ever wonder what Core did before Tomb Raider?
A whole lot of mediocre games, that's what! And this is just one
of them. Your objective is to use your gut to bounce incredibly evil
dinosaurs to kingdom come. In terms of the main character's physique,
Core has come a long way since this carp!
ClayFighter 2: Judgment Clay
Rating: 50%
Genre: Clayfighting
Appeal: Little kids who enjoy Play-Doh
Whoo-ee! I never thought clay could be
so dull. If you didn't get to play the game as a snowman, it would've
gotten a 10%! And who ever even said snowmen were made out of clay?!
Contra 3: The Alien Wars
Rating: 85%
Genre: Alien-walloping for SNES kids!
Appeal: Those involved in its production.
Probably.
Contra gets a 16-bit facelift in this nifty-keen
shooter from your buddies at Konami. It's fast, frantic, and overall,
a very explosive game. I have just one problem with it: Uhhhh.......
Oh, forget it. It's nearly flawless. There. So why the
85% rating? I dunno, maybe I'm just in a bad mood!
Cool Spot
Rating: 80%
Genre: Advertising
Appeal: Uncola drinkers
Very cool indeed. The hero is that Spot
guy from the 7-UP advertising that was around awhile ago. However,
when this was released, there was some confusion, as some people bought
the game thinking it was a 7-UP can. When they realized that it tasted
like plastic, several lawsuits were made because the game didn't provide
users with a "crisp, refreshing taste".
Cool World
Rating: 55%
Genre: Flop movie-licensing
Appeal: Animation fans with no taste
Wow, this game is every bit as good as the movie!
By the way, the movie wasn't good, and grossed about $14 million, which
makes you wonder why they even bothered releasing this carpness.
The game might have actually been cool if they'd just left out the bad
stuff (which consumed 3/4 of it). I'd love to know why Brad Pitt
and Kim Basinger agreed to be in the film...
Doom
Rating: 50%
Genre: Demon-killing at its 3D polygonal SNES
best
Appeal: Poor souls without PCs, and poor souls
with PCs who bought the SNES version anyway
Oh, gawd! After playing this game, I just
wanted to shoot myself with a BFG 9000! I'm a huge fan of the PC
version, so when I heard this game was coming for the SNES, I had to try
it, just to see what it was like. While most of the levels were there,
it ran at a smooth 5 frames per second (probably less if there was anything
on the screen). Stinks!
Double Dragon 5
Rating: 40%
Genre: Kill-wrestling
Appeal: Fans of the Double Dragon television
show (HAHAHAHA!)
Well, it looks as if the Double Dragon series
has gone completely downhill. Not only do the characters look more
cute and cartoonish than threatening, but they're dumb-looking as well!
Whoever thought this one up should be fired.
Donkey Kong Country
Rating: 85%
Genre: 3D! Oooooooh!
Appeal: Those intelligent gorillas
Good game, but way overrated by Nintendo fans.
I had subscribed to Nintendo Power because of the free game guide in it
for me, but I was shocked to see that those dumb clod readers had voted
it "Game of the Year" over both Super Metroid and Final Fantasy 3.
But what do you expect when a game like this wins second place for "Best
Story"? Augh, I'm gonna explode, here!
Donkey Kong Country 2
Rating: 90%
Genre: Uhhh... More 3D! Oooooooh!
Appeal: Nintendo Power readers
Obviously, the noodleheads at Rare learned a
thing or two about making a challenging game. Then again, they did
do Battletoads. Still, this has got to be the best in the trilogy.
And don't come to me saying that I'm wrong, because I'm right, end of story.
Hmph. What's the matter, scared to write to me saying that I'm wrong?
Chicken!
Donkey Kong Country 3
Rating: 90%
Genre: Monkey-slaughtering
Appeal: People who still only had a SNES when
this came out
They really should have found a new title for
this game, since Donkey Kong has only made cameos in this and the previous
game. The new character is a baby gorilla who looks like he could
thrash any badnik. Unfortunately, all he does is suck his stupid
thumb. It's a nice game, but whether you want to believe it or not,
Kiddy Kong is going straight to hell once his 15 minutes of fame are up!
Dragon's Lair
Rating: 60%
Genre: Agh, more Laserdisc translations
Appeal: Don Bluth and his animation cronies
Like SNES Space Ace, Dragon's Lair was originally
a Laserdisc arcade game re-released about four (seriously!) times on the
PC. Fortunately, Dragon's Lair is better than Space Ace, but only
because it strays from the original trial and error formula more.
Underneath, though, it's just yer average ordinary side-scroller.
Feel free to not play this one.
Earthworm Jim
Rating: 80%
Genre: Worm-whippin'
Appeal: Fishermen
This a very bizarre game about some sort of long,
slimy creature who finds a power suit that likes to whack evil with him.
Although there's some funny stuff here, some of it just wasn't. It
felt like some 45-year-old guy was sitting inside my SNES making jokes
about how the alternative to Hell is "Heck".
Earthworm Jim 2
Rating: 85%
Genre: Goldfish-eating
Appeal: Well, lessee, the game's creators...
Everyone's favorite limbless hero is back for
a second helping of Jim-licious action. I can't believe I just said
that. But seriously, folks, Jimmy 2 is better than the first, mainly
due to its easier nature. This wins the MadGames award for "Dumbest
Ending of All Time".
F-Zero
Rating: 80%
Genre: Danger-racin'
Appeal: Tomorrow's racecar drivers- today!
In the original ads for this, a psychotic-looking
teen remarked "Intense." I mocked him at the time because of his
lunacy. Then I played the game. I have to admit, the lad was
right! Intense, AND fun! But I'm just glad they didn't show
that same kid playing Gunstar Heroes!
Final Fantasy III
Rating: 85%
Genre: Good ol' classic ol' RPG'in
Appeal: Every known console RPG fan
Yaaah! Don't kill me for only giving this
an 85%! It's just that I played this after playing FFVII, and I just
couldn't go back to the older style! Don't kill me, for god's sake!
I really tried to enjoy it as much as I could, but that just warn't enough!
It's a good game, you see.
Final Fight
Rating: 70%
Genre: Final Fighting
Appeal: Members of street gangs who get killed
dozens of times and have many twins
Capcom's cool arcade game comes to the SNES,
but it sure doesn't come in style. Some moron decided to make this
a one player game where you could only choose two of the original three
characters and stage was missing. The only thing this has going for
it is the much-improved music. If you're one of the 72 people in
America with Sega CDs, get Final Fight CD instead.
Final Fight 2
Rating: 70%
Genre: Try to guess
Appeal: Tourists, probably
Although this SNES-only follow-up has three characters
and a two-player option, some moron, probably the same one who screwed
up the SNES conversion of the original, continued to do his dirty work.
This is kind of like "Final Fight: World Tour". Now I'd just love
to know why Haggar and the gang needed to travel around the world to beat
up on punks.
Final Fight 3
Rating: 85%
Genre: Capcom's last stab at Final Fightness!
Appeal: Final Fight fans, yeah!
It seems that Capcom fired the moron responsible
for the first two SNES games, because this one rocks! The zany cast
of characters is back in Metro City with more cool tunes and a noticeable
speed increase. Sure, it's not too original, but only real critics
care about that stuff!
Final Fight Guy
Rating: 70%
Genre: Rehashing
Appeal: Thos of you who played as Guy in the
arcades
This is exactly the same as the original SNES
conversion, except you can play as Guy instead of Cody. Big deal!
It's a good thing this was a rental-only thing at Blockbuster, because
I sure wouldn't have bought it!
Ghoul Patrol
Rating: 60%
Genre: Ghostbusting
Appeal: Possibly your dead relatives
LucasArts should have shot plasma at whoever
was responsible for this Zombies Ate My Neighbors sequel! All of
the camp is gone, someone added DETAIL to the graphics, and your characters
move like it's their first time on ice skates! Oh well, at least
this was unpopular enough not to warrant Zombies Ate My Neighbors 3: Terror
in Konami's Hate Mail Pile.
Home Alone 2
Rating: 15%
Genre: Being a little puke and hurting poor defenseless
burgers
Appeal: Other little pukes, probably
Lookee here, it's little Kevin McCallister, back
for more burglar-bruising action. For some reason, though, this also
involves shooting old ladies and bellboys with stun guns, and pulling a
twisted chef's pants down. I'm not kidding! This is featured
in the MadGames Book of Bad Games.
Hook
Rating: 75%
Genre: Pirate adventure that's not Monkey Island
Appeal: The Lost Boys(tm) and maybe a few mermaids
Two problems here (and in case you haven't noticed,
I always focus on problems!) 1. Pan moves like molasses. 2.
He looks nothing like Robin Williams. Whassup with that?? Personally,
I would'a liked to play as the good Cap'n 'imself. He'd give Pan
a piece a' his mind, and a piece of his hook as well!
Itchy and Scratchy
Rating: 45%
Genre: I dunno, something with a lot of violence
Appeal: Homicidal cats and mice
Thanks to video game system "limitations", this
Itchy and Scratchy game had no blood whatsoever. This might not be
so bad, except you only get to play as Itchy! I mean, give the cat
a chance, consarnit! He's tired of being used as Itchy's personal
whipping boy!
Jurassic Park
Rating: 55%
Genre: Uhh, you get to be Dr. Grant!
Appeal: People who don't mind that this game
has nothing in the way of special effects
Poor Grant. He is forced by someone or
other to search the large Jurassic Park island for eggs. This means
that there will definitely be some teeth and claws involved. You
have a top-down view and a remarkably slow (like 5 frames per second) first-person
view, neither of which play very well. Makes you wonder if Spielberg
even approved this game!
Killer Instinct
Rating: 65%
Genre: Fighting- Nintendo style!
Appeal: Anyone who likes to punch people a lot
This ain't exactly a killer game! The characters
are really freakish (especially that skeleton with an eye patch.
Everyone knows skeletons don't need eye patches!) Still, it's kinda
fun to get in 999-hit combos on the idiot you're facing. And the
skeleton had to go!
Kirby Super Star
Rating: 90%
Genre: Marshmallow-eating
Appeal: Cocoa fans
But seriously, this has nothing to do with eating
marshmallows. Instead, you've got to... uhhh... just take my word
for it, this is really bizarre. Since it's made by Nintendo, it's
not half bad. Skip Kirby's blasphemically short Game Boy title, "Kirby's
Dream Land", though.
Krusty's Super Fun House
Rating: 50%
Genre: Luring rats to their horrible end
Appeal: Mouse trap manufacturers
I'm still trying to figure out what this has
to do with Simpsons. Basically, Krusty must lead a horde of lemming-esque
rats to their untimely demise. Since when did Krusty get a fun house?
And wouldn't he just hire Fat Tony and his goons to give all the rats a
cement bath, or something? Gimme a break!
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Rating: 95%
Genre: Sweetness!
Appeal: Midgets whose favorite color is green
Good old Link is back for his latest (well, not
anymore) adventure. This one gets a place in my heart for being the
first adventure video game that I was really, truly... addicted to!
If you don't like this game, then come on over to my house and say it to
my face! Umph!
The Lion King
Rating: 80%
Genre: Lion-hunting
Appeal: Kids who liked the movie and held their
first game controller at two
Join Simba on his quest to kill enough heyenas
for a good, juicy stew! As you continue on in the game, the hero
somehow transmogrifies from a sweet li'l lion cub to a ferocious jerk who
takes swipes at little creatures. Despite Simba's overall toughness,
the game is even tougher. Play it!
The Lost Vikings 2
Rating: 65%
Genre: Teamwork
Appeal: Viking wannabes worldwide
Ever wanted to play as more than one character
in a game? Here's your chance, you nut! Three vikings means
triple the puzzles, triple the action, and most of all, triple the vikings!
Whoa, it's a major viking overload, here! Watch out, they're packing
puzzle-solving skills!
Maximum Carnage
Rating: 45%
Genre: Superhero drivel
Appeal: Guys who only wish they had a brain
Wow, this is bad! Spider Man goes from
level to level, laying the smackdown on dozens and dozens of hair-whipping
girls and midget punks. This might have been fun if it was any good!
The music may be from a real group, but I'd never heard of them before
this game, and besides, they suck! Those psycho designers didn't
even include a two-player option, curse them.
Mickey Mania
Rating: 80%
Genre: 16-bit "animation game"
Appeal: Walt Disney and Michael Eisner
After 70 years, the mouse finally gets a decent
game. He is forced to travel through his many (yeah, right) cartoons
and meet his former self and stuff... or something. Well, there ain't
much of a plot, but you probably won't be thinking about that when you're
being chased by an evil-minded moose, or getting crushed by 3D (oooh) barrels.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Rating: 65%
Genre: Bloodless, yet horrible violence
Appeal: Kids who watched the show or saw the
commercials for this game (that's why I rented it..)
You know the deal, the rangers (who, coincidentally,
do not wear park ranger outfits) must kill the heck out of Rita Repulsa,
the evil villain type. In order to do this, they must bloody her
minions, not a pretty task. This is actually kinda decent, but only
kinda sorta decent. By the way, Power Rangers was popular with my
age group when it was released, so I have an excuse!
Mortal Kombat
Rating: 70%
Genre: Blood Fighting
Appeal: Murderers, axe murderers, chainsaw murderers...
One of the many video games that have angried
up the blood of senators everywhere. "Duhh, it'll make you some sort
of killer!" ranted everyone's parents. Well, thanks to this game,
we not only got the rating system, but we also got more violent games than
ever before! Thanks, MK!
Mortal Kombat II
Rating: 75%
Genre: Sillier Blood Fighting
Appeal: Killer clowns
While the first MK brought us gory finishing
moves, MK2 brought us... Babalities and Friendships??? That's
weird. So weird that I'm going to take five points off this game's
score.
Mortal Kombat 3
Rating: 70%
Genre: More serious Blood Fighting
Appeal: Killer businessmen
This game is so creepy, it'll turn your hair
white! The characters are a dopey bunch, but they all look like natural
born killers. Too bad the AI is so cheap, or this could have been
the next Mortal Kombat II!
NBA Jam: Tournament Edition
Rating: 85%
Genre: Ye, it's basketball, a game I can play
wit' mah homies... sorry. No, I'm really sorry.
Appeal: Me an' mah homies... What the hell
is wrong with me?
Let's just say NBA Jam TE for SNES is a lot like
the Genesis version, but with prettier colors. Now, go read the Genesis
review, because in truth, I'm just too lazy to write a new one! Scram,
kids... There ain't no basketball games going on in the SNES section...
Out of This World
Rating: 80%
Genre: Alien-skeletonizing
Appeal: Large beasts who like to eat you
You're this guy named Lester who somehow got
sucked into an alien dimension, and must now fight for your life against
big, hulking, faceless brutes. This game's got all the puzzley goodness
of the PC version, with only 3/4 the speed, and some Star Wars-esque scrolling
intro text. Oh well! OOTW = Fun and satisfying.
Pitfall
Rating: 80%
Genre: Endangered species-murdering
Appeal: Poachers
Yeah, word has it that when those animal rights
activists got hold of a beta version of the game, they forced the designers
to alter it so that Pitfall Harry Jr. wouldn't laugh hysterically upon
killing the cheetah bosses. No lie! Really!... Okay,
I made it up... But it could've happened!
Pit Fighter
Rating: 25%
Genre: Digitized schlock fighting
Appeal: Fans of the arcade game, excluding the
ones with brains
Somebody really screwed up on this heinous cartridge.
The graphics are bad. The sound is bad. And don't get me started
on the gameplay! Play it with a friend, and you can both endure the
torture together. I passed up Super Metroid to rent this once, and
I never forgave myself. Never!
Ren and Stimpy: Veediots
Rating: 55%
Genre: Grossness
Appeal: Toilet humor fans across America
Ren and Stimpy was a great TV show. Until
Nickelodeon stopped showing it nearly entirely. If you want a decent
game with a few levels not-so-loosely based on the a few of the show's
storylines, this game is for you. But otherwise, bewaaaaaare.
Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs
Rating: 20%
Genre: Maximum idiocy!
Appeal: Other fire dog wannabes
Since this is the only game in history based
on the plot of ONE television episode, the designers didn't have much to
work with. You spend half your time collecting stuff and trying not
to reveal your identity to mean firemen, and the other half catching stuff
that falls from buildings during a fire.
Whoever designed this vomit pile should be put
through a meat grater!
Ren and Stimpy: Time Warp
Rating: 45%
Genre: Medium idiocy
Appeal: That guy who wrote "The Time Machine".
No, wait, this is too dumb for him.
Another one of those games that stink.
And by stink, I mean more than Stimpy's litter box. It seems our
heroes have to find a whole lot of Gritty Kitty proof-of-purchases to buy
their own time machine. Uh huh, great, but everyone knows time machines
don't exist! Duh!
Ren and Stimpy: Buckeroo$
Rating: 35%
Genre: The last Ren and Stimpy game!
Appeal: Morons who sat through the first eight,
like me
What the- This game looks nothing like Ren and
Stimpy! Sure, it may have plotlines and dialogue copied directly
from the show, as well as the obligatory "Happy Happy Joy Joy" theme (which,
for some reason, plays through the "Robin Hoek" segment), but these graphics
are waaay too detailed. Oh yeah, and it stinks, too!
The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare
Rating: 40%
Genre: Minigame-playing
Appeal: Little kids who have never seen the show,
but love Bart's "bad boy" image
This is an insult to the great television show!
A total insult, I tell ya! Alright, every Simpsons fan knows that
Bart isn't anywhere near the show's best character, but for some reason,
he stars in every single Simpsons video game! Not only that, but
they all suck! The designers are, like, stupid, and stuff.
Space Ace
Rating: 45%
Genre: FMV/animation/platformer/garbage
Appeal: Not me!
Alright, back in the '80s, several Laserdisc
games, which were basically complete trial and error with VERY limited
interaction, were released. Some mook tried to turn one of 'em into
a decent SNES game. They succeeded on the second part, but it's sure
not decent! Dying brings up a 20x15 pixel window showing your death
animation in its original Laserdisc form. How epic is that?!
Spawn
Rating: 40%
Genre: Side-scrolling badnicity
Appeal: Anyone who didn't have to play it
Now, Spawn's an okay superhero. He's got
that crezzy mask, and that huge cape, and he fights hellions, and stuff.
So why did Acclaim insist on giving him a bad game like this? However,
I'll forgive Acclaim for publishing this 1995 flop, but only because they
got what they deserved by selling two copies of the game.
Star Fox
Rating: 80%
Genre: Weirdo SNES polygonny stuff
Appeal: Die-hard Super FX chip fans
Wow, it's amazing that the SNES could handle
such 3D stuff, though it's entirely lacking in detail. The machine
just weren't meant to handle this kinda thing, I tells ya! Plus,
if I ever get my hands on that !#*@&$ toad, you can bet there'll be
frog legs for dinner!
Sunset Riders
Rating: 85%
Genre: Sasparilla-guzzling
Appeal: Anyone from mid-south-western USA
Oh yeah, this is Konami's "other" SNES shooter.
As a cowboy, you'll do all the things normal cowboys do, as long as it
includes shooting someone. Sunset Riders comes complete with cheesy
voice samples and a whole load of stereotypes ("Me ready for pow-wow!")
The horse-riding scenes might be a bit much for the faint of heart.
Super Adventure Island
Rating: 60%
Genre: Island-hopping
Appeal: Surfer dudes
To its credit, this game has some really great
caribbean music. So great that it's tempting to throw the controller
down and start dancin'. This is all well and good, until you realize
that the lead character has died from running in place. I'm serious,
this can really happen!
Super Adventure Island 2
Rating: 75%
Genre: Island-rafting
Appeal: People who like island adventure!
Master Higgins gains some platformer/RPG elements,
and loses both the incredibly cool soundtrack and his bride... again.
The hula skirt-clad varmint has become quite a bit tougher since the last
game (thank god), and sources close to him say that his body odor is also
gone. Really!
Super Buster Brothers
Rating: 70%
Genre: Bubble-poppin' fun
Appeal: The easily addicted
The player can be one of two "hip" kids and pop
dangerous bubbles before they come down on their heads and undoubtedly
smash their brains in. Oww! Doesn't seem very realistic, but
I'm convinced that it's not really a bubble at all, but some kind of incredibly
heavy super ball, like the ones they used to have in Cheerios boxes, only
larger. It's just a theory!
Super Castlevania IV
Rating: 90%
Genre: Skeleton-whipping
Appeal: Not skeletons, that's for sure
Best game in the series. You play as Simon
Belmont, who must make his way through 256 color stables, forests, and
a large castle. The animations are oddly stiff, but the backgrounds
are pure spooky gold. When this came out, Konami had a promotion
where if you bought a Super NES but ignored this game on the shelf, they
would send a random monster to your house for a party...
Super Double Dragon
Rating: 45%
Genre: Sloooooow beat-'em-up
Appeal: Turtles, maybe
Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Double
Dragon was cool in the arcades and on the NES. Unfortunately, even
the lame Genesis version of DD1 is better than this dreck. It's slow
(just like I told ya), the characters are small, and the fighting action
has been de-improved since the first game. After seeing Final Fight
on SNES, you have to wonder... why and how?
Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts
Rating: 80%
Genre: Scaaaaaryyyy...
Appeal: Umm... ghouls and ghosts?
Alright, it's the third installment of the popular
series. It plays just like Ghouls 'n Ghosts on Genesis, but with
super-overused SNES pixelation, transparency and Mode 7 effects.
There are a lot of really big fans of this game, and after giving it a
lot of time, I became one of them. Every game in the series has been
tough beyond belief, but this has actually made them more fun.
Super Mario All-Stars
Rating: 90%
Genre: Awww, classics! And improved ones
at that!
Appeal: You, hopefully
All yer favorite Mario games are back, sporting
sound effects ripped straight from Super Mario World, and even nicer graphics.
And hey, it's a four-in-one deal! You get Mario's three NES games,
plus the never-before-seen-by-American-eyes Japanse version of SMB2.
It's a harder version of SMB that'll blow your socks off due to its overall
hardness! Yeah...
Super Mario Kart
Rating: 70%
Genre: Racing at its very cartooniest
Appeal: People who always wanted to see if Donkey
Kong Jr. would fit in a go-kart
This game happens to be very popular with a number
of people, including the overzealous Next Generation editors (aww, who
am I kidding, it's a great mag!) On the other hand, I never thought
it was that great. If F-Zero had included a two-player mode and ways
to attack your opponents, it would've been just as popular. Bah!
Super Mario World
Rating: 85%
Genre: The SNES Mario
Appeal: SNES owners?
Mario returns with some of the worst SNES graphics
ever! Seriously, compare this to Castlevania 4, which was released
the same year, and you'll see what I means, sonny! Not that anyone
who's actually played it should care, of course.
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
Rating: 85%
Genre: Creepy crayon-drawn action
Appeal: All you millions of Yoshis out there!
SMW2 is actually a prequel to every other Mario
game. Those strong-backed Yoshis are, for some reason, forced to
carry plump little Baby Mario back to his parents. I'm glad I'm not
them! When the kid cries, I'm sure Yoshi just wants to strangle the
pasta out of Mario! I know I do...
Super Metroid
Rating: 95%
Genre: Absolutely excelente gaming!
Appeal: The cast of Alien, but not any of the
sequels
I picked this up used for $10 at a video store
awhile ago. Best $10 I ever spent! Creepiest SNES game ever,
I must say, and much better than the first two games in the series.
I got the last copy at the video store, so if you ever come to my town
looking for the game, you're out of luck!
Super Off Road
Rating: 80%
Genre: Mini-car racing on single-screen tracks!
Appeal: Little people
Hmm, you've got four little cars shown from an
overhead view, placed on tracks that take up a whopping one screen and
are filled with treacherous piles of hay. It's simplistic racing
fun at its funnest. Despite the absence of a steering wheel, four
of which were present on the arcade machine, this off road is super indeed.
Super R-Type
Rating: 50%
Genre: Stinkin' space shooting!
Appeal: Kids who were suckered into buying it
because it was cheap. Like me!
So you're piloting a ship through the vast reaches
of outer space, when all of a sudden, you get blown up. No matter
where you were in any of the six levels, you'll always return to the level's
start. It coulda woulda shoulda been a good game if there had only
been mid-level save points, consarnit! Instead, the game designers
insisted on being boneheads.
Super Return of the Jedi
Rating: 75%
Genre: Ewok-smashing (or at least that's what
everyone wished this game had)
Appeal: Lovers of trilogies of any sort
I'm concerned about the bozos who titles this
game "Super Return of the Jedi", when in fact, there was no NES "Return
of the Jedi" to go with it. They could have released both versions!
Wario's Woods, the last official NES game ever, came out around the same
time as Super Return. Of course, no one bought it, or any NES games
released during 1994. Too bad, LucasArts!
Super Star Wars
Rating: 65%
Genre: Tiring, tiring shooting
Appeal: The world's few Star Wars fans
Yet another addition to Super NES's vast "Super"
lineup. I'm still wondering why LucasArts would even try turning
a highly unsuccessful film like Star Wars into a game, never mind doing
a batch of sequels/prequels! What was Grandpa George thinking?
Super Street Fighter II
Rating: 85%
Genre: Super Street Fighting II
Appeal: Superman
While the first game is fit for washouts and
the second is fit for coffee addicts, this third in the series is fit for
the super. The reason: There are now TWO (count 'em, TWO) actual
street scenes in this Street Fighter game! They're going for the
record, here! Five extra points just for that!
Super The Empire Strikes Back
Rating: 80%
Genre: Swordfighting with Vader! Yar!
Appeal: That Lucas guy
Just look at that title! "Super The Empire"???
That is one of the worst cases of bad grammar I've ever seen in a game!
The game loses ten points for annoying English teachers across the nation,
and gains it back by having a Luke/Vader lightsaber duel to the death (or
at least the third game in the series).
Street Fighter II
Rating: 75%
Genre: Some kind of fighting...
Appeal: Fat sumos and skinny fire-breathing indian
guys
Although this game is called "Street Fighter",
only one of your battles actually takes place in a street! Inexcusable.
Unless you like beating the bejeezus out of circus freaks, this game isn't
for you.
Street Fighter II Turbo
Rating: 80%
Genre: Turbo-charged fightin' action!
Appeal: Caffeine kids
Just like the first Street Fighter II (that didn't
sound right) except now you can be the kindly old sea captain or the sweaty
boxer, as well as two other bums! Oh yeah, and the speed of the game
has gone from "painfully slow" to "painfully fast".
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 4: Turtles in
Time
Rating: 85%
Genre: Shell-kicking
Appeal: Those of you who don't mind utterly,
utterly ridiculous plots
Remember the original TMNT in the arcades?
'Course ya do! This arcade sequel wasn't half as popular, but Konami
execs must have said "Duhh, dem turdles is mighty fahn in dose games, an'
ah reckon we shid git publishin' dis new one on th' Super NE-hes."
Thank god they did, those wacky guys. If you can't figure out what
this game is about, go give yourself a lobotomy.
Tetris Attack
Rating: 80%
Genre: One thing's for sure: It ain't Mortal
Kombat
Appeal: Your mom (no, really)
In 1996, gamers were treated to this then-brand-new
Tetris game, courtesy of Nintendo. Unfortunately, it included Yoshi
and his gang of old cronies, standing around and looking bright and cheery.
Courtesy of Nintendo. Fun, despite its way-too-cute graphics.
The Tick
Rating: 35%
Genre: Ninja-bruising
Appeal: Those of you with a lot of time on your
hands
In the first scene of this game, Tick can jump
off a bus and get squashed by it. Unfortunately, that's what you'll
want to do after playing this game! I've never beaten up so many
repetitive ninjas in my whole life (in a game, at least). This game
was the real reason the show got canceled!
Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster Busts Loose
Rating: 80%
Genre: Bunny-hopping
Appeal: Nickelodeon watchers, WB watchers, former
FOX watchers
Any schclod can tell you that Animaniacs was
much better than Tiny Toons, but that doesn't mean the game was!
Unlike the Sonic-esque Genesis version, this one's got originality, pizazz,
and a final boss that's not Montana Max for once! Expect to hear
some crying from the kids who play this when they get a bad ending for
not finishing on hard mode, though.
Tom and Jerry
Rating: 30%
Genre: Ohhh, something terrible
Appeal: Let's face it, you'd have to have a brain
the size of a mouse to enjoy this
If you're a fan of the TV show, you certainly
won't enjoy this! The old mouse must chuck marbles at his adversaries.
How stupid is that?! The music could've been done on an NES, and
the graphics could've been done on an Atari 2600, fer god's sake!
Toy Story
Rating: 80%
Genre: Toy-destroying
Appeal: CG cowboy wannabes
Alright, so Toy Story was the first-ever full-length
CG movie. That still doesn't explain why Woody gets killed so much
by supposedly "friendly" toy planes and trains. The poor guy, all
he wants is some respect! How's he going to get it when he's off
trying to murder Buzz Lightyear with a sinister toy car?
Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3
Rating: 70%
Genre: Brutality fighting
Appeal: Any given sucker with some extra cash
I feel reeeaal sorry for any MK3 dope who paid
for this one! It's exactly the same, except the four-armed freak
and some cool backgrounds are missing, and there's approximately 97 pallette-swapped
characters. Then again, I'm also a dope for renting this. Dang.
Wolfenstein 3D
Rating: 55%
Genre: PC translations that schtink
Appeal: Fans Nintendo's late '93 to early '94
censorship
It's funny that the SNES version of this PC classic
is even called Wolfenstein, as there is absolutely no evidence that the
game takes place in German castles. Plus, it's slow and blocky and
oh-so ancient that you'll probably end up shooting the cartridge with your
trusty chaingun. Oh well...
Zombies Ate My Neighbors
Rating: 90%
Genre: Underrated games
Appeal: Your neighbors
Save dopey rednecks and cheerleaders while making
sure to blast hordes of zombies and (shudder) ants with your squirt gun.
Pure campy genius! Nothing's more fun than making your way through
these creatively-titled, B horror movie-spoofing levels, except if you're
playing alongside a chainsaw-wielding maniac.
Zoop
Rating: 70%
Genre: Puzzlin' puzzlers
Appeal: Crazies who thought the commercials were appealing
Not state-of-the-art, but then, it was released on more systems than
any other game in history, I believe. With a lot of practice you
can get pretty good (d'er), but I'm sticking to portable Tetris, and that's
that! The next person who asks me to play Zoop is going to get a
face full of Game Boy!
|
